Family Related

Had a tough week in our family...nothing health related and to most people on the outside looking in, it's probably not a big deal...but my sophomore son told us he wasn't going to play basketball. He was our starting QB on the varsity football team this past fall and did an admirable job. He's a J.V. basketball player talent wise but he is solid and would eventually be a varsity starter over the next couple years. All I do is preach to our kids in our hallways to play as much and as many sports as they can...and now my own son isn't doing all he can do. He had a miserable experience last spring playing and we've had some coaching turnover here and I think he's just done...at least for this year. My wife of course looks at it through the lens of being his mom, which I can totally understand. Mine is as his dad, coach, and a coach / teacher in our building. We've had more than one breakdown this week about it. He and I had a great talk this morning and he knows we love him and are proud of him and are simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him. He's very committed to running track and possibly going back next year. Not looking for any responses necessarily, just venting to some guys on here who's opinions I respect and I know some of you deal with or have dealt with similar situations at times in your own families (or may in the future).

lefty120 wrote:Had a tough week in our family...nothing health related and to most people on the outside looking in, it's probably not a big deal...but my sophomore son told us he wasn't going to play basketball.  He was our starting QB on the varsity football team this past fall and did an admirable job.  He's a J.V. basketball player talent wise but he is solid and would eventually be a varsity starter over the next couple years.  All I do is preach to our kids in our hallways to play as much and as many sports as they can...and now my own son isn't doing all he can do.  He had a miserable experience last spring playing and we've had some coaching turnover here and I think he's just done...at least for this year.  My wife of course looks at it through the lens of being his mom, which I can totally understand.  Mine is as his dad, coach, and a coach / teacher in our building.  We've had more than one breakdown this week about it.  He and I had a great talk this morning and he knows we love him and are proud of him and are simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him.  He's very committed to running track and possibly going back next year.  Not looking for any responses necessarily, just venting to some guys on here who's opinions I respect and I know some of you deal with or have dealt with similar situations at times in your own families (or may in the future).

sorry to hear that lefty. as much as we try to provide guidance to "our kids" (biological and otherwise), ultimately it's their life and their choice. and every kid has their own path and their own schedule. maybe he will have a change of heart next year and re-join the team.

i went through something similar with my son, post-high school (albeit a little different as far as the circumstances go). after a successful and enjoyable freshman year playing JUCO basketball, he decided to "retire". took me completely by surprise. there were no signs that it was coming. he enjoyed his teammates and coaches, he played a lot, he played well, and the team had a great season. the best way i can put it is he hit the proverbial wall and was ready to get on with life. i encouraged him to give it a lot of thought because you're likely to only have this opportunity once in your life, yadda, yadda, yadda. but his mind was made up and he left on his own terms.

with the sudden abundance of free time, he ended up getting into coaching (basketball) during his second year of college and the subsequent "gap year" (because of covid) and his career path (teaching/coaching) started to take shape. so, all things considered it's worked out great.

best of luck to you and your son (and the rest of the family). in time, i'm sure it will all work out.

Thanks ging for the thoughts. Definitely resting on the 'everything happens for a reason' and there will be a path for him moving forward. Man, is it hard being a parent and coaching that same kid...so rewarding most of the time, but man, there are challenges too.

I feel your pain.

I was a three sport athlete in high school, two sports in college.

Neither of my kids played sports after 5th grade (they are in 8th and 11th now).  They are probably correct in choosing not to, but it still kills me a bit every day that it isn't something we can share.  My oldest does drama and music and mock trial, my youngest does music.  None of these are things I know anything about.

You just hope they are happy and support them in whatever they choose to do.

lefty120 wrote:Had a tough week in our family...nothing health related and to most people on the outside looking in, it's probably not a big deal...but my sophomore son told us he wasn't going to play basketball.  He was our starting QB on the varsity football team this past fall and did an admirable job.  He's a J.V. basketball player talent wise but he is solid and would eventually be a varsity starter over the next couple years.  All I do is preach to our kids in our hallways to play as much and as many sports as they can...and now my own son isn't doing all he can do.  He had a miserable experience last spring playing and we've had some coaching turnover here and I think he's just done...at least for this year.  My wife of course looks at it through the lens of being his mom, which I can totally understand.  Mine is as his dad, coach, and a coach / teacher in our building.  We've had more than one breakdown this week about it.  He and I had a great talk this morning and he knows we love him and are proud of him and are simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him.  He's very committed to running track and possibly going back next year.  Not looking for any responses necessarily, just venting to some guys on here who's opinions I respect and I know some of you deal with or have dealt with similar situations at times in your own families (or may in the future).

I feel ya. My son is a Junior now and has always played 3 sports (hoops, football and baseball). He is saying he doesnt think he wants to play hoops this winter. He's not an elite level athlete, but would probably start in all three sports his senior year. I would like him to play all the sports for as long as he can. I want to tell him I know what is best for him, but as a 17 year old, I guess he has to figure it out for himself. This whole raising kids thing is hard

Neither of my two boys in high school play football. My oldest suffered a severe concussion his freshman year. Even though he would like to play we had to step up and be parents and say no. I consulted several doctors, including the U of I team doctor, and they all said if it was their son they would not let him play. Still a tough conversation. My youngest is 6' 4" and 235 lbs. he is a solid kid with some athletic ability - he has no interest in football. Fortunately, he does throw in track for me.

i've got a buddy who is a long time assistant and head football coach around here. he played high school football and a little bit in college. good sized guy. he had two sons and looked forward to the time they would be old enough to play. but, neither son played after 8th grade. they got mom's genes and neither one of them was big enough, fast enough, or strong enough to play high school football. shit happens and he accepted it for what it was.

lefty120 wrote:  simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him.

This line kind of jumped out at me. I heard "we" and "I" but not him. Why force him to play something he doesn't want to so that you guys have something to do? I am sure you are good parents with nothing but love, and at this point I assume you raised him well. Why not trust his judgement? I dont think him making an adult decision as a bad thing.

Personally I had no regret going from 3 to 2 sports. And then later switching one of those of those 2.

When my youngest decided not to go out for baseball in high school the coach called me at work to tell me how disappointed he was. I was too.

I came home from work that night and got on his case…he said “dad, I played baseball since I was six because YOU love baseball. I don’t. I’m going out for track” I felt like crap, not because he quit baseball but because I had made him play a sport he didn’t enjoy.

He turned out to be good at track, had fun, and is an adult and a husband that still makes me proud every day. When I look back at this I’m proud that he stood up to me, and played what he enjoyed. I’m just glad it wasn’t a trumpet.

I am in a different boat than all of you as my kids are 4 and 1 but I am storing all of this advice away. I would love it if my boys play football, basketball, and whatever else but I made the decision before having kids I would never force them to play any sport. As a coach I have seen too many kids play with no passion or desire and it's pathetic to watch. I don't want that being my kid.

All kids are different and it's an important lesson to allow the to choose their own path. As long as my kids are involved in something and have a passion for something, I will be a happy father. I don't want a kid who comes home, hides in their room, and just plays on their phone.

Same boat here.  My son is now a senior.  He “retired” from sports after playing 15u baseball between freshman and sophomore years.  He might have played JV, but Covid and remote learning the 2nd semester of that year sealed the deal.  It’s very sad that I’ll never get to go watch him play anymore, but he was ready to be done with it.  Even though it tore me up a little bit, ultimately it’s about what he wanted.  We had conversations about it, I wanted him to think it over and be sure he was done - because I knew it would be for good.  Very open minded because I never wanted him to feel like he was being forced.  He’s happy just trying to focus on school and make some money at his part time job.
At any rate, yeah it sucked, but these days I feel more like it’s just part of the process and is gonna happen sooner or later for everyone.

This is good dialogue. Having reported on high school scene for past 25 years, I hear of this all the time. Besides and intense bond between parent (especially dad) and child, there is such a strong emotional attachment to sports. When it is good, it is very good. Who wouldn't like to have the starting quarterback and star basketball player be your own kid?
I've even detected jealously and envy from parents whose kids don't measure up when compared to other parents that do have the star athlete, or for that matter a starter.
If you love sports, but your children doesn't share same passion, it hurts.

Ultimately parents (should) want their kids to be happy and encourage what the kid enjoys - within reason. parents' happiness and interests do not always match up with kids'. that can be tough but , imo, it's up to the parent to adapt.  it seems today kids', and often parents', social status is tied to sports prowess. and yes, parenting is difficult yet very rewarding.

The difference between now and when I was growing up in the 70s is huge. Back then, sports was a recreational activity that didn't necessarily equate with bragging rights for parents. Maybe somewhat for dad, but hardly ever for mom. Nowadays, both parents fervently want the spoils that come with an athletic youngster.
But, look how much bigger sports in general is than decades ago. It has exploded.

wilky wrote:

lefty120 wrote:  simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him.

This line kind of jumped out at me. I heard "we" and "I" but not him. Why force him to play something he doesn't want to so that you guys have something to do? I am sure you are good parents with nothing but love, and at this point I assume you raised him well. Why not trust his judgement? I dont think him making an adult decision as a bad thing.

Personally I had no regret going from 3 to 2 sports. And then later switching one of those of those 2.

Well, that's kinda why I posted it on this board...to just take a moment to personally share my feelings. I knew there would be some folks on here who have experienced the same thing. As parents, there are so many things we simply work through and figure out...this has definitely been one of them for my wife and I. I think it's okay at times for parents to be able to open up about their feelings regarding their children and their choices and not be judged for taking a moment to share how it has affected them personally. There's a lot of investment of different kinds that go into our kids, families etc.

He's played competitive basketball since he was 6...after this last year and a half, then being our QB as a sophomore and playing for his dad, it's been a lot...I think at the end of the day, he just needs a minute. Maybe he'll go back next year, maybe he won't...but I know he's fortunate to have a great friend group who all compete at different things throughout the year who have supported him just like we have. It'll all end up as it should.

tps wrote:Ultimately parents (should) want their kids to be happy and encourage what the kid enjoys - within reason. parents' happiness and interests do not always match up with kids'. that can be tough but , imo, it's up to the parent to adapt.  it seems today kids', and often parents', social status is tied to sports prowess. and yes, parenting is difficult yet very rewarding.

The social thing is a huge part of it no doubt...here in Southern Illinois, it's all about baseball and AAU basketball. Some of these parents wear a badge of honor with how many weekends they can piss away traveling to tim buk too to watch these travel sports, and then posting it all on social media. My wife and I, I think anyway, have done a very good job of balancing that. None of our kids have played anything travel except a little baseball, which included a very limited number of trips and games.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and stories on this...I've shared a few with my wife. I appreciate this board, even though we may not agree all the time on everything, there's usually some great perspective that's shared.

lefty120 wrote:

tps wrote:Ultimately parents (should) want their kids to be happy and encourage what the kid enjoys - within reason. parents' happiness and interests do not always match up with kids'. that can be tough but , imo, it's up to the parent to adapt.  it seems today kids', and often parents', social status is tied to sports prowess. and yes, parenting is difficult yet very rewarding.

The social thing is a huge part of it no doubt...here in Southern Illinois, it's all about baseball and AAU basketball.  Some of these parents wear a badge of honor with how many weekends they can piss away traveling to tim buk too to watch these travel sports, and then posting it all on social media.  My wife and I, I think anyway, have done a very good job of balancing that.  None of our kids have played anything travel except a little baseball, which included a very limited number of trips and games.  

can't agree more. i have a hard time wrapping my head around the youth sports industry craze. 

i do think the last 18+ months has taken a mental toll on HS kids (and probably others) in varying degrees. your son has friends and parents/family who care. that is HUGE.

Way late to this thread.  Haven't been around for a while.  Sorry, it is a great read.

I have three kids and all three gave up something during the high school years.  It was a surprise to a lot of people when each of them gave something up.  And Lefty I do really identify to the coach/parent dynamic here.

But I can say that in every case the positives outweighed the negatives for them.  In each of their cases they became happier people and it has helped them find out who they really are.

This is weird to say because I loved coaching and playing high school sports and this is a sports board:  In the whole scheme of life they are not that important.  Way overemphasized in a lot of homes because a lot of people never move on from them.

Because of that if a kid is going to play them they really need to enjoy them and be self motivated to do the work that comes with them.

wilky wrote:

lefty120 wrote:  simply disappointed we can't watch him play this winter...and personally, I just enjoy watching him compete and someone else coaching him.

This line kind of jumped out at me. I heard "we" and "I" but not him. Why force him to play something he doesn't want to so that you guys have something to do? I am sure you are good parents with nothing but love, and at this point I assume you raised him well. Why not trust his judgement? I dont think him making an adult decision as a bad thing.

Personally I had no regret going from 3 to 2 sports. And then later switching one of those of those 2.

Sometimes, as a parent, you have to make a decision for your kid because you know they are making the wrong decision.

My kid is playing D3 football. A week before camp started his freshmen year (August 2020), he dropped a bombshell on my wife and I and said he didn't want to play. We were dumbstruck. Did not have a clue he was feeling that way. We told him to give it a year and then we would talk about it.

He remained lukewarm about football during the Covid year. It was tough. They only played 2 games in the spring but still had to do all the other football stuff. It was tough and. Lot of work and there was no payoff in the sense that there was a game to look forward to on Saturday.

So, all summer, he kind of moped around and made snarky comments about football. So we made a deal with him. We told him that if he played football, we would pay all his non-school expenses. Basically all his spending money. But, if he wasn't going to play, he was going to have to get a job. We would pay school expenses but he was responsible for anything extra.

So, he played his first full season this year and had a great time. As a sophomore, he was in the DL rotation. Played a ton this year and led all interior DL in tackles, Sachs, and TFLs. As of now, he's penciled in as a starter next year. Won the team awards for strongest kid on the team. Got a ton of buddies and the coaches love him. He's really looking forward to football next year. He just needed to get a real year in to see how much fun it can be to be a part of something like a college football team.

So yeah...I'm glad that I "forced" him to play.

Lefty I feel your pain man. Reece recently quit basketball after missing most of last year due to academic issues. Its something his mom really enjoyed watching to do before she passed and really thought that he would want to go and play for her but he has lost the desire or so he says. He's says he likes football better now which normally would make me happy but he is a work in progress in football and pretty darn good basketball player. One thing for certain is if their heart isnt 100% into things wont go well.